With the celebration of the opening week of football in the NFL I thought it would be prudent to highlight the warriors that would be leading us into battle each week; the game changers, the star-power, the Captains.
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| Adrian Peterson steals a football from a small child |
Is he man or is he machine? human or hulk? runningback or battering ram?? It is fitting this list of captains starts with the $65 dollar man. He may make a third of the Men of Troy's salary but if anyone deserves it, its all-day Adrian Peterson who can challenge for the all time season rushing record with 1 ACL. Rumor has it Peterson is playing with a chip on his shoulder because he thought he should be been drafted for $165. He's angry and stealing footballs from little children, look out league.
- Forgetting Brandon Marshall
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| Jay Cutler puts gum on Brandon Marshall's shoes and blames Jared Allen |
Who else do you expect to be the banner child for FBM? Casey seemed to pull a slight-of-hand by grabbing his obvious captain in the draft for just $33. Recent news claims Marshall and his quarterback Jay Cutler were going through a rough patch due to a preseason cleat-gumming scandal. However Jared Allen was wrongfully blamed and things have since been better between the QB/WR combo, priming Marshall for another top ten season.
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| Sometimes these captions just write themselves, don't they? |
There was serious disagreement in the "minus" camp during the preseason on just who should be voted team Captain. But, after prolonged deliberation, Larry Fitzgerald came out on top. Was this because of his 6'3 frame, his 4.4 second 40 time or his 68" wingspan? In short, no. Its because Larry has a degree from the University of Phoenix. Yes where other NFL players have muscle Larry uses mind; shown here by his trusty Segway that allows him to use literally no muscle fibers on game day until go time just after kickoff.
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| Jamaal Charles plays chicken with a bullet pass from his quarterback. |
Jamaal Charles is handsomely paid, and comes in as the 3rd highest salary in the BIG TIME at $55. Charles was a top rusher last year in the NFL and should be again if the chiefs can work out the kinks in their new offensive line. Charles has such quick reflexes that he actually waits until he can feel the ball on his face before he lifts his hands to catch a pass. ESPN's TV show Sports Science attempted to feature this remarkable feat on film, but the slow motion camera could only capture this picture of him shown above and the end clip of Jamaal with the ball in his hands. In an attempt to save the episode, Charles ran from Arrowhead Stadium all the way to his hometown in Port Arthur, Texas. The episode was a success, but only lasted 21 minutes... and they had to show it twice.
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| Just sayin' |
Larry Fitzgerald is a smart man, but he can't hold a candle to the Stanford grad and #1 overall pick in the 2012 NFL draft Andrew Luck. Luck may very well be both the smartest and the ugliest man in sports. In addition to his two degrees from Stanford, Luck actually has three more from the University of Phoenix. 3 degrees of any kind is an accomplishment, but what typical students take years to accomplish, Andrew did with a laptop and 15-minute bowel movement.
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| Ugly? Nay, hideous. But the man can throw a football. |
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| Just look at the chemistry between these two guys. |
There was a minor dispute over the voting for captain over at team BTJ camp, sooooo for now, Aaron Brees is captain. Johnson drafted both of these guys for a combined $73 but can they co-exist? Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning certainly think so. Although there is some bad beef between these two. Like the time Rodgers kidnapped Drew Brees' 2 year old child to help him celebrate his super bowl win in 2011, or the time Brees said "Dude, I hate you" and Rodgers said "well I hate you too." Maybe its just a rough patch, and their relationship can go on to greener pastures.
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| "In your FACE tiny Brees! In your FACE!!!" |
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| Now thats a Big Time Johnson |
Even on a team with Shady McCoy, there was little doubt who carries the flag for team Poop. No jokes necessary for this guy, he is downright poetry in motion catching balls downfield and a sight to behold. I just googled 'megatron' and I'm pretty sure this nickname is an insult to Calvin Johnson. CJ is that much of a specimen. The actual megatron really doesn't look that intimidating at all. Its just a large piece of confusing metal.
vs.
Thats the most intimidating picture of (actual) megatron I could find. If the villainous decepticon megatron was coming after me from one side and all 6 foot 5, 236 lbs of Calvin Johnson was coming after me with his 4.3 forty speed from the side, I would probably run as fast as Calvin Johnson into the clunky arms of actual megatron and pray that the mighty Calvin Johnson didn't pop me like a pigskin.
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| That phone looks older than him |
Team Favre sure knows a good quarterback when it sees one and its been seeing a lot of Peyton Manning ever since ____ ______ retired back in 2010. Since then, the ____ ______ replacement has done quite well for team FKAF. My goal this year is to not use ____ _______'s name anymore. The dude hasn't played for 4 years and we still mention him more than anyone not named Greg Zuerlein or Sebastian Janikowski.
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If Ian and Ben can come up with team names for their organizations than I will put up their team Captains as well. Until then, I would challenge them to do so. As of this writing we are already one game into week 1. Good luck to everyone except you, Rick Stammer.
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